Shut Up and March!

There are few people in the world who truly understand the art of marching band. That's okay. That's why I'm here- to explain.
Most marching bands follow the same general format:
-Director(s) to shout, threaten, and make people run laps
-Drum major(s) to conduct, criticize, contradict, and be awesome (Funnily enough, they don't actually play the drums most of the time)
-A band to be abused and follow orders

Obviously, the purpose of a marching band is to march. And play. At the same time. I've heard some people claim that this is easy.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
Sometimes, it's downright hard. But that's okay- we like challenges.

A marching band has all the instruments a regular concert band would have:

You've got your woodwinds, which is basically the group of instruments that are made of wood or have some wood part on them and you blow into them. Except you really don't want to take wood instruments out on the field... they deteriorate quite quickly. And reeds tend to break when you toss your saxes and clarinets around all the time. And double-reed instruments? Sorry, bassoons and oboes. You're not allowed. How about you learn a new instrument? And... wait a minute, where do flutes fit into this all? There's not a piece of wood on them! That goes for piccolos, too. But don't insult the piccolos- they could easily make you deaf.

There's the brass section, which includes all the instruments made out of- you guessed it, brass. Just a note: Saxophones, although shiny and metal-y like trumpets and tubas, are not actually brass instruments. Why not, you say? They've got teeny little pieces of wood called reeds. That's enough to stick them in with the woodwinds. Because tubas are so hard to carry around, they invented a special kind of tuba called the Sousaphone (you know, like John Phillips Sousa? Google him.) . You know what a Sousaphone is- it's that tuba that wraps around you and looks ridiculous. You probably don't know what a euphonium is, though. A euphonium, also called a baritone, is basically a teeny tuba. Although it's not all that teeny, and it does get heavy because you have to hold it like a trumpet. Ever tried to march a French horn? They're kind of weird, what with all that brass spaghetti in the center. That's why they invented the mellophone, which is basically a French horn twisted up in a different way to be more portable. They don't cut anyone any slack.

There's the percussion section (drums and other things you beat with sticks), which, in the lovely world of marching band, is split into two sections.
1) Drumline. Ever seen that movie? Yeah. Basically the most portable percussions- snares, cymbals, bass drums... Oh, yes. Bass drums (the huge ones) are portable. You just get some shoulder straps and- BOOM. Portable bass. Just don't fall over. The drumline is generally extremely loud, and it sometimes hacks off the rest of the band because they have to play louder to be heard.
2) Pit. Ever tried to march with a xylophone? They get pretty big, and even with wheels, they don't move easily. Hence the traffic jam when the percussion tries to move those things through doors. Basically, anything that's too big or too hard to march with gets lined up on the sidelines and played there. This can include xylophones, marimbas, string basses, and sometimes pianos.

The marching band season (which is pretty much just football season in disguise) usually starts before the actual school year- that's right, during summer vacation. That's when band camp happens. Band camp is a good time to teach the rookies how to march. It's also a good time to un-lazy the veterans and remind them how to march.
Bands march using the football field's yard lines and hashes as guides. The yard lines are fifteen feet apart, and there are two hashes on each line, cutting them into three pieces. Band members must magically know how big of a step to take to get to each position without looking at any of the painted lines. There's a way to do this: it's called weeks and weeks of repetitive practice.

And what about those uniforms? I think that's one of the biggest reasons band geeks get picked on. Truthfully, they can look nerdy sometimes. But uniforms are big deals. Band kids learn to be very, very careful with them because there's a team of elite band moms who will come down on them if they don't. The Uniform Committee doesn't like it when the uniforms get dirty or ripped up. They often don't let the kids touch the plumes that go in their hats. (Plumes are feathers, by the way.) They're scary. The uniforms themselves vary from band to band, but usually consist of shoes, pants, jackets, gloves, and hats of some kind. Drum majors can get special uniforms because they're special. But aren't we all?

Marching bands are good for all kinds of things! Like halftime! And parades! And pep rallies! And competitions! And showing off! And getting out of gym! And... probably for taking over the world.
Oh, and for learning discipline, too. Before learning to march, one must learn to stand completely still without moving at all. This is called standing at attention. That means chins slightly raised; shoulders back, down, and relaxed; elbows bent slightly (just slightly! no chicken wings!); feet together, and knees bent ever so slightly, just enough so that they don't lock. Oh, that brings me to a good point:
DON'T LOCK YOUR KNEES.
If you lock your knees, your blood won't be able to get through them, and 9 times out of 10 you'll pass out.
DON'T LOCK YOUR KNEES. DON'T LOCK YOUR KNEES. DON'T LOCK YOUR KNEES!
Another common band position is horns up- that's just when the band puts their instruments up to their faces so they can play.
There is no talking or moving allowed in either of these positions. Your head itches? Too bad. There's a spider crawling up your leg? Hope it's not poisonous. You've really got to pee? Hold it. And do. not. talk. That will bring the wrath of the drum majors and directors down on you.

So, that's marching band in a rather large nutshell! Go cheer for your high school marching band at the next game!
I remain, gentlebloggers, your obedient servant,
Commodore Scribbles